THE NOT PIGG WIGGLY LINK, for people into that
A letter from me to mr PIGG WIGGLES, about three years ago
Dear Mr Wiggles,
HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE PIGG WIGGLES INTERVIEW REQUEST EMAIL LETTER.
I am hard at work interviewing friends for an update to my Badwebsite -- the theme of which is me interviewing my friends.
You have been chosen, Mr Wiggles, as one of the participants.
Please answer the following questions fully and to the best of your ability.
Do not be embarrassed, if any of your answers involve nudity, or public intoxication.
The main audience for this, is MY friends -- and they have seen it all, believe me.
PIGGLY WIGGLES INTERVIEW REQUEST EMAIL LETTER INTERVIEW, THE TOP PART
ME: Hello, Mr Wiggles. How are you today?
(NOTATION: PIGG, YOU ANSWER ME HERE)
ME: And, how is MRS Wiggly doing on this fine day?
(MORE FROM YOU IN THIS SPACE, SAY SOMETHING CLEVER, ETC)
ME: Looking at your webpage, I am immediately struck by its' simplicity and concise artistic form.
It doesn't take 45 minutes to load, like the others, with animations and vile music, and videos of planets exploding.
THIS IS ME, ASKING ANOTHER QUESTION: Why did you decide on the minimalist approach, and do you think people are attracted or put off by its' child-like innocence?
PIGGLES: (YOU SAY SOMETHING HERE. MAKE IT GOOD.)
IT'S ME, AGAIN: Do your friends have nicknames for you? Mr P, or OP (for "Orange Pigg"), or... ?
Tell me the story behind the genesis of your name, and why you are pre-occupied with oranges? (NOTATION: THAT WAS ME ASKING ANOTHER QUESTION)
WIGGS: (SAY SOMETHING VERY CLEVER HERE. MAKE IT BETTER THAN YOUR OTHER ANSWERS.)
ME: You seem to have some interesting and worthwhile friends, whereas mine are largely drunkards, petty thieves, and salesmen.
How'd you do that??
How can I get friends like yours?
PIGGLY: ( DELIGHTFUL, WITTY RETORT HERE )
ME: According to your web-information, you live in a country called Tuvalu. Do you like it better than Alaska, where your page said you were living yesterday?
Do you recommend Tuvalu, as a vacation hotspot for us americans?
PIGGY: ( VERY, VERY, VERY CLEVER ANSWER HERE )
ME: Pigg, in your photos, you and your lovely wife are always cavorting. LAUGHING, EATING, RUNNING THROUGH PONDS.
What is your secret?
Why are you So Damn Happy?
** THIS SHALL CONCLUDE THE PIGG WIGGLES INTERVIEW REQUEST EMAIL LETTER.
YOUR PARTICIPATION IS APPRECIATED.
THANK YOU ETC, AND HAVE A VERY NICE ETC ETC.
- PIGG WIGGLES' RESPONSE TO MY INTERVIEW QUESTIONS: None
Another email letter from me to mr PIGG WIGGLES, about six months later
Dear Mr Wiggles,
How are you on this bright, sunny day?
Am considering backpacking through Tuvalu.
Can you recommend a chalet?
Thanks.
OH: By the way -- Did you happen to receive my Pigg Wiggles Interview Request Email Letter? Any interest in responding?
PIGGLES WIGGLES, TO ME: YOU NEVER GOT MY ANSWERS??????
I WROTE SO MUCH TOO!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ME, TO PIGGLES: That's okay, Mr Pigg. No harm done. Fill it out again. Doesn't have to be good, even. I'll punch it up and make you look brilliant.
P WIGGLES, TO ME: OK. IT JUST MAKES ME MAD, I WROTE SO MUCH, AND IT'S ALL GONE!!!!!!!
WILL ANSWER AGAIN.
ME, TO PIGGLES, MONTHS LATER: Pigman, am awaiting your answers to the Interview Request Letter.
Just write ANYTHING.
Fill in the answers with a bunch of X's -- I'll re-do it, and make you look stellar.
Thanks.
PIGMAN, TO ME: MAN, I WAS JUST GOING TO WRITE YOU.
I FEEL GUILTY FOR NOT ANSWERING.
WILL SOON.
I WILL, I PROMISE!!
ME, TO PIGG WIGGLY, A YEAR LATER: Mr Wiggles,
I can give your shorter questions, if you'd like.
Or you could have your wife, or a friend, take a stab at it, I can run their answers. Do you have any interesting neighbors?
- I see you've moved from Tuvalu to Scopollamenia. Do you like it there...?
Take care.
PIGGLY WIGGLES, TO ME: I WILL DO THIS!
SOON TOO.
KEEP AFTER ME.
ME, TO PIGGS, 20 MINUTES LATER: Piggly,
I have re-worked your questionaire, so that it is mainly True-False and Multiple Choice, and very short.
I suggest you answer RIGHT AWAY and send me your responses ASAP, before you get distracted.
1) Tuvalu is a nice place to live, but I much prefer Switzerland or Scopollamenia. TRUE OR FALSE?
2) I am a fiscal conservative, but liberal on social issues.
a) Strongly agree
b) Strongly disagree
c) None of the above
d) All of the above
e) Can't say, not even my friends know
f) I'll tell you if you pay me
3) The BADWEBSITE is obviously run by a genius.
TRUE OR FALSE?
(NOTATION: Answer NO, Piggs, and I'll Un-Friend you)
4) The best thing about the internet is:
a) can send harassing letters anonymously
b) gals in their birthday suits
c) the grinding sound my hard drive makes
d) a & c, but not d
e) b & e, but not c or f
5) I chose the name PIGGLES WIGGLES because
a) it rhymes with "Giggles"
b) it's latin for "tall and dashing"
c) it's irreverent and iconoclastic like me
d) everything else was taken
6) Mrs Wiggles and I are so happy in our photos because
a) why worry -- we're all dust in the end anyway?
b) sedatives
c) sedatives and licquor
7) The problem with today's youth is
a) i-pod's over-stimulate adrenal glands
b) all the text messaging over-develops thumbs
c) the youth is fine, without them no one to run McDonald's
8) If I were running for president, my slogan would be
a) "Piggles for a better tomorrow"
b) "Peace-niks for Piggs"
c) "Piggs - Obama: Vote for CHANGE!"
d) Politics! - Are you INSANE? You think I could pass the urine test?
9) I would like to end my questionaire interview
a) by thanking the "little people" -- who made it all possible
b) with an apology to Jasmine: I SWEAR it looked like I had enough room to park the camper
c) by announcing, I'll be touring in the fall with Iron Maiden
ME, TO PIGGS, AFTER HIS ONLY RESPONSE WAS TO E-MAIL ME A CAMEL PHOTO:
WOULD IT BE OKAY -- SINCE I'M NOT GETTING ANSWERS FROM YOU -- WOULD IT BE OK, IF I PRINT MY QUESTIONS?
I WORKED ON THEM, YOU KNOW, TO MAKE THEM GOOD.
THEY WORK ON THEIR OWN, I THINK.
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT WITH YOU, I'D LIKE TO PRINT THEM.
AND, WHEN YOU HAVE THE TIME, YOU CAN WRITE AN ESSAY FOR ME TO TACK ONTO IT.
"WHAT I WOULD DO TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE," by PIGGS.
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
WHAT DO YOU SAY? -- HM?
...I COULD ALSO ANSWER THE QUESTIONS FOR YOU, IF YOU WANT. AND YOU COULD WRITE ME BACK, "Yes" or "No."
THAT WOULD WORK, TOO.
LET ME KNOW.
PIGGLY TO ME: I DID IT! THEY'RE DONE! I ANSWERED! IT'S GOOD TOO!!!
ME, TO PIGGLY, A MONTH LATER: Well, I can't wait to see.
Send it over.
(NOTE: I get no email from Pigg Higgly, but several ineresting camel photographs.)
ME, TO PIGGLY, LATER STILL: All Right, Let's Try This-
I'm either not getting an answer from you -- or you've SENT me an answer, and I don't understand it.
(The camels look happy, so that might mean you're in agreement with me. It could also mean, you thought they were funny pictures of camels.)
* How about this?
How about, I go ahead and print the questions I sent you, as your interview?
If I don't hear back, I'll run your interview under a psuedonym, like FIGGLY HIGGLY.
If I DO hear back, please try to work a "YES" into the letter, so I can understand it.
Or else, send me another camel. I'll take that for a "YES" as well.
Cheers.
PIGGLY WIGGISLY, TO ME: DID YOU NOT GET MY ANSWERS????
ME, TO PIGGISH: No, I haven't gotten your answers.
I've been waiting, too.
The suspense is killing me.
It's easier interviewing Mick Jagger.
What about my idea? -- That I run my QUESTIONS?
They're GOOD questions, P. I worked hard on them.
Remember, in the future, when you DO answer, we can add that to the bottom on the interview.
What say?
Sounds like a good plan, to me.
I like it.
Sounds good.
PIGGISH: Again, like a dummy, I didn't save my work in a Word file. You'd think I would've learned my lesson... I spent an hour and a half and stayed up till midnite working on it... I'll have to make time to do it this weekend... I promise. Keep after me...
ME, TO PIGGY, HOURS LATER: PIGGG.
IDEA: Why don't I answer your questions. Then, you tell me which ones you disagree with -- and I'll take those answers out.
What say?
Sounds good to me.
* NOTE: PIGGLY'S REPONSE IS TO E-MAIL ME A PHOTOGRAPH OF A BATTLESHIP.
ME, TO PIGGY, DAYS LATER: Pigggs.
Am running my questions, as your "interview."
Do you have photographs of you and the misses I can use? -- If not, I can substitute pictures of fruits and vegetables. (It has worked for me, before.)
Let me know.
PIGGLY, TO ME: just wanted to let you know i still feel guilty for not re-re-doing the interview. last weekend i was sick and this weekend i'm going camping, but next week???
ME, TO PIGGLY, SIX MONTHS LATER:
Piggly.
In place of your answers, I am substituting your essay autobiography.
I am writing it, so I may get a few things wrong.
If it's acceptable to you, send me a camel.
NO -- If you like it, DON'T DO ANYTHING.
In fact, anything other than you writing me "NO NO NO" -- I'll take as a yes.
Okay?
Here goes:
by Pigg Wiggly
Not everyone's childhood is skateboards and candy bars.
At 9 and a half, I ran away from home, to join the circus.
But, the circus was closed, so with a false beard and make-up, I enlisted in the military.
I was trained as a rear gunner. After 6 mos I'd wiped out most of my battalion, through friendly fire.
To get rid of me, they awarded me a bronze star and I was promoted to the rank of Lieutenant Colonel.
And re-assigned to Tuvalu.
I had a problem with authority figures: I rebelled against them giving me a bedtime, and making me dress in those stupid, unflattering outfits.
But, no brig could hold me. I was barely 10, and could squeeze between the bars.
I planned to go AWOL, and find another circus, one that was open, this time.
Before I could, though, I met and fell in love with a beautiful Tuvaluvian princess, named Monica.
She was 12, and could hold her breath for 2 whole minutes. I succumbed to her charms.
We got married, and for our honeymoon, we went AWOL to Anacapa.
Today, we have 41 beautiful children, one ugly one, and a minature schnauser named Feinholz.
We travel a great deal, as I am wanted by police in various countries on trumped-up charges.
Due to this, I can't complete any questionaires, because... Well, why help the authorities find me?
(I don't think that the "Squeezing between the bars" trick would work anymore.)
THE END.
PIGGLY'S REPONSE, TO ME
- I'm still waiting.
